Bow Rails FC

I’m excited that they’re adding new teams to the Australian Footy Tournament (AFT), but some of the suggestions are simply ridiculous. I mean, the Berwick Super Bears? What a strange idea for a team. There are plenty of good ones out there, too, such as my own, so I don’t really think we need to resort to something as absurd as the Super Bears.

If I had to choose one team to be admitted into the competition other than my own, it would probably be the Kiwi Limes from Bendigo. I just think that’s a cool concept, plus no other team uses green in their colours, so they’d really stand out. But ultimately, I think my team should be the one to join this competition. Go Malvern Bow Rails! We’re a team made entirely of marine welders from Melbourne, dedicating our weekends to the art of Australian Football. I play the small forward, getting clever goals that nobody else can kick. The rest of the week, though, I’m just a regular welder, helping people weld things to their boats to enhance the fishing experience.

It started as a simple club for marine welding near Melbourne, but when we all realised that we enjoy watching the footy, we decided to become a club with two purposes. Membership is exclusive. To get in, you have to be both a marine welder and a football player. At training sessions, we play Dave Bowie music and chant “Go Bowies!” whenever we get a goal. We tend to get a lot of goals.

Last week, we won by one-hundred goals to zero. That’s a six-hundred point victory. We’re really good. That’s why I think we should be allowed into the AFT. It would be awesome to actually play against some real opposition, rather than literal witches hats we got from the local primary school. Come on, AFT, give us a chance. We won’t disappoint.

– Charlie